My kids turned 13 and 15 in the last month. Teenagers!
Teenagers are awesome. I love them. Raising them is hard not because they're a problem (most of the time). My kids are not bad, just as most are not. Sure, when kids become teens most of them need to somewhat painfully separate themselves from their parents. They're designed to do that, no matter that some modern thinkers say that's a crock and that the whole idea of "adolescence" is just an invention of the 1950s. There's some truth to that, but the fact is that just as a 2-year old is going to learn his or her independence, so is a teen-ager.
Even in the "olden days", children did not live long under their parents' roof once they became teens. And if they did, they still married and had their own family and contributed to the family and society as adults. Way back to Biblical times we have the whole notion of separating from father and mother and "cleaving" to one's wife or husband. This involves separation, and for parents at least that can be pretty painful.
After all, we've just spent upwards of 12 years learning how to be a parent, how to be ever-available when needed, how to sacrifice our own lives for the sake of our kids. Then suddenly, those same kids don't need us so much any more--or at least they're starting not to need us (teens still need us, trust me!). They're rejecting us in small and large ways, and that's not easy.
Also, and I think this is hardest for me, suddenly there is a whole new vibration to parenting. It's not about keeping our kids safe and near us anymore--though there is some of that. It's now about sending them out into the world. Making sure they're ready. Making sure they're getting educated, preparing for a life of work and supporting themselves, learning to drive, finding friends who become a big part of their lives, etc.
And what if you don't think you're good at that?!!! I was born to hold babies, to make sure they're fed and warm and cozy. I didn't even mind changing diapers, or holding crying toddlers, or running after them at the park.
But trying to figure out how to help my son not fail high school? Helping my daughter through the stresses of mean girls in junior high? Telling them to stop doing homework now and get some sleep, even though there will be repercussions for unfinished work at school the next day? Helping them prioritize and make all these big decisions?
Ugh! That takes from a well of wisdom and knowledge that I just don't even think I have.
And then there's dealing with cell phones and iPods and internet forums--neither parents nor teens are good at keeping this stuff in check. I can talk about the birds and the bees till I'm blue in the face, no problem because Oprah taught me how to do that. But technology and its proper place in my teens' lives? Give me some valium--now!
If anyone has some wisdom or advice, feel free to leave it in the comments. And yes, I know "one day at at time". I love my teen-agers dearly, and I thank God for my husband all the time too. How would I ever do this without him? Sometimes he and I just look at each other, or fall into each other's arms exasperated and exhausted, wondering if we'll make it and does this hard stuff ever end? Maybe, maybe not.
It's definitely love that gets us through. I don't have any more wisdom than that.
 |
| Rose's 13th Birthday, girls' dinner at Olive Garden |
Teenagers are awesome. I love them. Raising them is hard not because they're a problem (most of the time). My kids are not bad, just as most are not. Sure, when kids become teens most of them need to somewhat painfully separate themselves from their parents. They're designed to do that, no matter that some modern thinkers say that's a crock and that the whole idea of "adolescence" is just an invention of the 1950s. There's some truth to that, but the fact is that just as a 2-year old is going to learn his or her independence, so is a teen-ager.
Even in the "olden days", children did not live long under their parents' roof once they became teens. And if they did, they still married and had their own family and contributed to the family and society as adults. Way back to Biblical times we have the whole notion of separating from father and mother and "cleaving" to one's wife or husband. This involves separation, and for parents at least that can be pretty painful.
 |
| Eli's 15th birthday last week--fondue at home |
After all, we've just spent upwards of 12 years learning how to be a parent, how to be ever-available when needed, how to sacrifice our own lives for the sake of our kids. Then suddenly, those same kids don't need us so much any more--or at least they're starting not to need us (teens still need us, trust me!). They're rejecting us in small and large ways, and that's not easy.
Also, and I think this is hardest for me, suddenly there is a whole new vibration to parenting. It's not about keeping our kids safe and near us anymore--though there is some of that. It's now about sending them out into the world. Making sure they're ready. Making sure they're getting educated, preparing for a life of work and supporting themselves, learning to drive, finding friends who become a big part of their lives, etc.
 |
| Our teen-agers at a famous art museum, surrounded by masterpieces. Go figure. Art Institute of Chicago. |
And what if you don't think you're good at that?!!! I was born to hold babies, to make sure they're fed and warm and cozy. I didn't even mind changing diapers, or holding crying toddlers, or running after them at the park.
But trying to figure out how to help my son not fail high school? Helping my daughter through the stresses of mean girls in junior high? Telling them to stop doing homework now and get some sleep, even though there will be repercussions for unfinished work at school the next day? Helping them prioritize and make all these big decisions?
 |
| I love watching my teen-aged daughter play basketball and feel it's good for her to have the balance of sports and academics. Rose is #34. |
Ugh! That takes from a well of wisdom and knowledge that I just don't even think I have.
And then there's dealing with cell phones and iPods and internet forums--neither parents nor teens are good at keeping this stuff in check. I can talk about the birds and the bees till I'm blue in the face, no problem because Oprah taught me how to do that. But technology and its proper place in my teens' lives? Give me some valium--now!
 |
| I love that my teen-aged son still loves to find sticks in the woods, and gets this dreamy look imagining all the battles he'll fight. In this case, it's bamboo poles near Grandma's house in Virginia. |
If anyone has some wisdom or advice, feel free to leave it in the comments. And yes, I know "one day at at time". I love my teen-agers dearly, and I thank God for my husband all the time too. How would I ever do this without him? Sometimes he and I just look at each other, or fall into each other's arms exasperated and exhausted, wondering if we'll make it and does this hard stuff ever end? Maybe, maybe not.
It's definitely love that gets us through. I don't have any more wisdom than that.
Comments