Follow Your Bliss

March ARC retreat

During the twice daily 20-minute "Quiet Sit" at ARC retreat center something always comes to me and I use it as my meditation mantra. This weekend it was the doxology suddenly popping into my head:

Be present at our table, Lord.
Be here and everywhere adored.
These mercies bless and grant that we
May strengthened for Thy service be.

And then arose a conflict in my head between the Norwegian ending versus the Swedish:

May feast in Paradise with Thee.

While breathing in love, breathing out love, remaining calm, I decided that both endings are good. As long as one doesn't think Paradise is only the place you go after you die.

We are here for both service and abundance.

My fallback meditation focus to "breathe in love, breathe out love" was particularly fitting for the space and the people this time.

The group of 18 retreatants from a St. Paul church had a scare Saturday evening when a woman from the group went missing. She went for a walk around noon and it was now nearly dark in the woods. Panic ensued on the part of some and the energy of the place changed drastically. A search both inside and outside was started. Some of us continued to eat, pray and clear the tables.

All's well that ends well, they say. The missing woman made it back at just dark, to her name being called. She stated beautifully: "it was so good to know someone would look for me if I was lost."

A vision quest, perhaps.

Most of us today give little credence to astrology, but I had to give some credit to Mercury retrograde this weekend. A large plumbing leak on Friday, a missing woman on Saturday, and a huge geyser of steam from a too-hot boiler shut down the outdoor wood furnace Saturday night. The resident community that runs ARC kept saying "this doesn't usually happen" and I kept thinking "Mercury retrograde". The full moon in Virgo of week past had already waned, after all.

Still, there was a wonderful feeling of "flow" and caring amongst the community, the volunteers and the retreatants this weekend. I had a beautiful time and felt brave enough to share a reading from Buddhist nun Pema Chodron at the Sunday lunch. I even added to it my own mystical vision of the bodhichitta--our wounded, softened heart. Someday I will write about that.

For now, as we say at ARC, thanks be.

My Word for 2012 Was Indeed Compassion

As today is the last day of 2012, I'm looking back on the year with more than my usual reflection.  I'm actually a bit sad to see this year go.  It's been a year of tremendous growth for me, of following some dreams, and of beginning to heal some things that have long been locked up inside me for too long.

Early this year I wrote that the word "Compassion" would be my word for the year.  It was a word that kept coming up in my mind as we began 2012, and indeed as I reflect it has been a most fitting word for this year.

I began the year feeling compassion for my hard-working husband George and my teen-aged children, which I wrote about here.

We have all felt much compassion throughout 2012, I imagine.  Compassion for those who suffered in storms like Hurricane Sandy.  Compassion for the victims and survivors of some of the terrible shootings the United States has seen this year--Durango, Portland and of course Newtown, Connecticut--to name just a few and the more newsworthy ones.  When terrible things happen, it seems compassion pours out from us and we rise to the occasion and help those in need.  That's a wonderful thing.

In the fall, along with kids from church I went on a retreat called Culturing Compassion.   I felt so fortunate to be able to be part of that day of learning and helping out with some of the needs, both local and far away, in our world. 

Then late in this year, I felt called through a dream to start sponsoring a child through Compassion International.  There's my word again, and now we support little Cielo, whose name means "sky" or "heaven", in Peru.  She's a beautiful little girl and somehow I think this relationship will bring as much good to us as it does for her.

I happen to be ending the year feeling the most compassion for myself.  It is a time to for me to be very gentle with myself.  I am choosing a path whose end is not apparent.  I am choosing healing, as I said earlier, of some things that have been locked in my heart for far too long.  It's not horrible stuff, but it is hurtful stuff and before I can move forward with my life, there is work to be done.  I am surrounded by people--my husband, my friends--who will help me on this path and yet it is still up to me and it is still hard.  I am working with a healer, a homeopath and spiritual guide, whom I trust deeply enough to lead me on the journey.  But I am stubborn and I am slow and it will take time.

image from http://www.123rf.com/stock-photo/loon.html

Gentle yoga, quiet walks in the woods, time spent outdoors and near water, inspiring books and lots of writing/journaling for myself will be called for this year.  I am not yet sure of my word for 2013, but compassion will continue to be important of course.  I'm not sure if I'll continue to stay off of Facebook but I know that I will do things differently in general.  I will surround myself as much as possible with truth, beauty, light and gentleness.

In 2013, I plan to pay less attention to reputation or being impressive and liked, and more to being myself, authentic and true.

One of my favorite spiritual and universal truths of all time is attributed to Jesus in John 8 verse 32:

"The truth shall set you free."  

I also like this version, attributed to Gloria Steinem:

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." 

How true both versions are!  May truth be my guiding force in 2013.

I broke up with Facebook for Advent

Yes, I broke up with Facebook, at least for the month of December then perhaps we'll re-evaluate.  You see, Facebook has become like a boyfriend I love but who's really not good for me.  We have fun together, the thrills are there, but ultimately toxic crap keeps coming up in our relationship.  Besides that, I've been addicted to "him" and he's been taking up way too much of my time and life energy.  I don't need that any more.

The stars and planets seem to be aligned for it, in fact, because despite my past addiction, it's been absolutely easy to do this.  No tears and no illicit liaisons "for old times' sake" in this break-up.

The last time I had an Advent that felt this freeing was in 1993.  I spent the fall semester in Washington, D.C., studying through a theological consortium and living at the Luther House of Studies (now the Lutheran Center for Theology and Public Life).  My Seminary had a program for this so it was an easy send-off for my dorm neighbor Kristen and myself.  We were two young women absolutely thrilled to live outside of Minnesota for the first time in our lives.  In fact, I'd say it was the best thing I'd ever done until that point.

~I met wonderful new people.
~I took fascinating classes in ethics and drawing (yes drawing! at this Seminary!) and urban ministries.
~I did important and fulfilling work with homeless women (here).
~I took many weekend trips sightseeing and visiting friends along the east coast.
~I attended weekly "house church" in our Lutheran student home.
~I learned to drive the circles of Washington, and to ride the wonderful Metro system.
~I lived in community which was crazy and fun.

I came home from those three full and filling months and I broke up with my boyfriend.  He had been my high school and college sweetheart and it was way past time to move on as the relationship was not good nor good for me.  It took a while to actually end that eight-year relationship but the semester in D.C. had changed me dramatically inside, and exterior changes had to follow.

With the monkey off my back, I felt freedom like I'd never felt before.  I can easily say the following summer of 1994 was the best summer of my life.

~I lived with my Grandma and found out she was funny.  She taught me to iron my clerical collar shirts too.
~I spent loads of time with a best friend from college, who was living nearby.
~I formed many other wonderful friendships.
~I salsa danced in a basement.
~I fended off advances from guys.
~ I got tan.
~I grew my hair out.
~I smiled and laughed a lot.
~I worked and learned as a student chaplain.
~I sang a lot of hymns.
~I discovered for the first time that I am a perfectionist (thanks to Father Garvey for that insight).
~I prayed.
~I ate a lot of garden-fresh food prepared deliciously by friends.
~I saw the Northern Lights for the first time in my life.
~I played beach volleyball, throwing my ordinary sports caution to the wind.
~I rode a horse, terrified the entire time but not letting on and making it through.
~I went skinny dipping.  Twice.

Sadly, the summer came to an end when in September I moved to Iowa to serve First Lutheran Church as an intern pastor.  I must have still glowed with my newfound happiness and freedom (and my tan) though--whispers were that the new intern was pretty! (which makes me laugh today)

On the first Friday night in my new little town, I went with neighbors to the football game and took notice of the marching band director.  Within a month those same neighbors introduced me to that director, George Zahn.  In a surprising but nice continuation of the wonders of that summer, the fall was also the best.  In December during Advent, George and I fell in love.  By New Year's, we were engaged and in the summer of 1995 we were married.  The rest, as they say, is history.  

Sometimes we have to make way for the new by getting rid of the old.  We clear out cobwebs, we de-clutter storage sheds, we get rid of our yarn stash and then new projects and ideas and ways of being spring to mind  We break up with old boyfriends and new loves come along to surprise us.  We give up old ways of spending time (Facebook) and find new and wonderful things to do.

Advent is a time of preparing and waiting.  Preparing our hearts and minds and lives.  Waiting for the new.  Waiting for the light.

Here are the words from one of my favorite Advent hymns, Light One Candle To Watch For Messiah:

Light one candle to watch for Messiah: let the light banish darkness. He shall bring salvation to Israel, God fulfills the promise.

Light two candles to watch for Messiah: let the light banish darkness. He shall feed the flock like a shepherd, gently lead them homeward.

Light three candles to watch for Messiah: let the light banish darkness. Lift your heads and lift high the gateway for the King of glory.

Light four candles to watch for Messiah: let the light banish darkness. He is coming, tell the glad tidings. Let your light be shining. 

Wayne L. Wold, b. 1954, © 1984 Fortress Press
(from With One Voice, no. 630) 

Blessed be your Advent!

Bedroom Re-do and My Facebook Page

Hi all!  First, I want to direct you to my Facebook widget on the sidebar.  I'm using my Lisa Zahn Writes Facebook page as a place to share links and thoughts these days.  It's quick and easy, with some Facebook-issue limitations that bug me, but overall it's a good thing for me to use.  I occasionally get political over there, but I try to stay positive and inspiring for the most part.  You'll find parenting stuff, spiritual stories, some news I'm interested in, and whatever strikes my fancy for the day.  So please, go on over and "like" my page!

And second, some photos for you!  This summer George and I painted our bedroom.  George loves yellow and I like yellow too, but not as our bedroom wall color.  Color theory says you should paint your guest bedroom walls yellow because it's a pleasant, happy color that also says "don't get too comfortable in here".  And that's exactly how I felt about sleeping every night in our cheery yellow, bright bedroom.

So, we started experimenting with shades of gray.  (hee hee!)  Oh, and black, but that was going too far.

(And we bought a new-to-us dresser from the Habitat Restore.)

We picked Fieldstone Gray from Martha Stewart's paint line at Home Depot.

I painted the formerly turquoise headboard this creamy white, which is a mix of paints I got for free at the county's hazardous waste site.  The desk/night stand/vanity table on the left cost me 10 bucks and is also from the Habitat Restore, which benefits the local Habitat for Humanity chapter so buying from there is a win-win situation.  I also bought the chair there, for more than ten bucks which is kind of a sore spot since it is quite broken and I should have noticed that in the store.  But, it looks cool and I spray-painted it silver (again, free paint) and found a beautiful upholstery remnant with which I covered the seat.  I just sit on it very.carefully.

New lamps, mirror, and most other items are also thrift store finds.  I had time to haunt the shops all summer.

This corner and most of the walls are still in process.  I did find a lampshade at GoodWill, however.

The bird pillow was my big "splurge", for 20 bucks at Tuesday Morning.  I looked at it, put it down, went back and picked it up, put it back down, etc. until finally my mind said "You need that pillow!  I don't care if it's 20 bucks!"  And you know what, it speaks to me all the time and it makes the room.  Sometimes we just have to listen to those voices that tell us to do something fun.  Wait, I have to listen to that voice a LOT more often.  Isn't that chair pretty?  Worth $15 even though it's broken?

 The gold-framed girl is another fun find, via Zazzle.  I wanted a pin-up girl and found her online because I couldn't find just the right one in the antique shops nearby.  George says, "You look just like her!"  Isn't love blind?  And fun?

Our new bedroom is fun, and relaxing.  As is the balcony just through this door...

 It also has some newly painted furnishings.

From here we can spy on the neighbors, but mostly we gaze at the stars on those long, hot summer nights. 

A Reminder To Myself: About Iced Tea in the Summer

First, that I shouldn't drink too much of it if I don't want to spend my entire summer in the bathroom.

Second, that I should make it myself!  It is so painfully simple to make, so incredibly cheap, and the at-home version almost always turns out perfectly.  And you can't depend on that at Caribou or Starbucks.  Seriously, I hate watered down iced tea.

Cost breakdown for the bulk ingredients:
100 bags of Lipton tea: $2.99 usually
4 pound bag of sugar: $4 maximum (I honestly don't know because I  last bought sugar at Costco, organic for I think $1 a pound, a long time ago!  Most likely this is a very high price for regular sugar, but I'll go with it.)

Cost for one gallon of homemade iced tea:
12 bags of tea at $.03 each: $.36
1/2 cup of sugar at max price of $1/pound: $.25
water: free

Total cost for one gallon of homemade iced tea: $.61
Total cost for a 16 ounce glass of homemade iced tea: $.08!!!

Cost of a 16 ounce iced black tea at Caribou: about $2, or $1.92 more than the same thing at home.

So next time I or my daughter are tempted to make a stop at the coffee shop, instead of driving the 3 miles more to our house and grabbing some out of the fridge, I need to remember this blog post.  Thus, I'm reminding myself.

Recipe notes: after much experimentation, I've found that the method which produces the best iced tea is from the Hillbilly Housewife.  I fill a pitcher with cold filtered water, pour half into a saucepan and heat it to boiling.  I used 12 tea bags when making a gallon of tea, and steep it right in the saucepan after the water has come to a boil and I've taken it off the heat.  Steep the tea for ten minutes using a timer, add 1/2 cup sugar to the hot water/tea, then pour the hot tea into the 1/2 full pitcher of cold water.  Let it cool a bit in the fridge, or add ice right away and drink some.  This makes perfect iced tea that is not watered down.  You can adjust the sugar to taste.  If you live in the South and like "sweet tea", you might want to double the amount of sugar.  Or more.

And of course, you can use herbal or green or other teas too.  I'm a black-tea-slightly-sweetened girl, myself.

When I Blog, I Get Almost No Comments...

...and when I post on Facebook, I have a much better chance that one or more of my 200-plus friends will comment.  I love that.  I like getting a conversation going.

So, that's also a big part of why I blog less and Facebook-post more (as I wrote about the other day).  Facebook is like blogging on speed.  I like the limitations of those little boxes because they force me to edit so carefully.  And I love the dialogue that at least sometimes occurs on Facebook.

Back in my blogging "heyday", when I would say blogging was more popular and not as divided into mega-blogging mommies who are making a living off of blogging and get most of the readership--and the rest of us more normal folks--there were many more comments on my blog.  In fact, bloggers live/lived by an unwritten code of ethics that states, "don't just lurk, comment already!"  In order to get readers to our blogs, we commented on other people's blogs.  Or even if we didn't care so much about getting readers of our own, we were forming communities so the comment dialogue was important to us.  These communities generally consisted of like-minded individuals who wrote about their days and their cool pursuits (for example, I would say that the urban farming movement began with bloggers!), and we found others who were interested in doing similar things.  It was very cool and fun and inspirational.

Facebook has, in most ways, become party and host to those communities now.  Many of my favorite Facebook friends and commenters are people I know online only, and mostly through blogs.  My family is a part of my Facebook community too, and they NEVER commented on my blog posts.  Not all of my friends on Facebook are of like mind, that's for sure, so the community takes on quite a new dimension because of that.  And sometimes, Facebook friends of friends become friends (got that?), which is another cool thing.  I even have a Facebook friend who friended me because we share the same name, Lisa Zahn, if you can believe it!  

But as great and time-consuming as Facebook is, I still keep this blog.  I sometimes miss blogging and its slower, more leisurely and lengthy pace.

What do you think is the state of blogging today and has it changed as much as I think?  (I dare you to post a comment about it!)