Explaining Eli.

Eli on the 4th of July in Mandan, ND--2003, I think.

Does Eli need explaining? I struggle with that one all the time. At times I feel like pulling my hair out when he behaves inappropriately in a social situation (particularly at Grandma and Grandpa's house!). I wish I could give every adult and even some kids a lengthy, sympathetic look into Eli and why he acts the way he does sometimes. Although, do I even know why? Not exactly, though I have some clues. Mostly, I guess as his mother I just want people to know that he's a really lovable, funny, bright kid who just takes some getting to know to see that. But I don't often get that chance, nor would I usually take it even if given it.

First year of downhill ski club at Powder Ridge--2006

Yesterday, at Rose's piano recital, he stayed in the living room reading his Harry Potter book 7, fine with us. During the refreshment phase of the event, he sat reading near me while I talked with the other parents. One mom, a teacher whom George knows, tried to ask Eli about his book. "What are you reading?" was her simple question. Immediately Elijah pulled the book to his chest and ran away from us in a huff. I was forced to stand there, red-faced. I stammered an apology, "he's really shy," I said. The adults around us were all understanding, "no big deal" or "oh, I have a nephew like that", etc.

But later I ponder Eli's response in such situations. By all appearances, it looks like he took the question from an unknown adult as a threat. His response was a definite fight-or-flight reaction, as if he was saying, "don't take my book, I'm outta here". Why is it that a kid like Elijah, who lives a very good life with two loving parents, feels so threatened as soon as he gets out of his comfort zone?

We have never had Elijah diagnosed, but some of his doctors and teachers have agreed that he shows signs of Asperger's syndrome, a "spot" on the Autism scale. He's very high-functioning, and we don't even know if he meets all the criteria. We've even given up appointments to test him for it, unsure if we're doing the right thing. Do we want to label him? Isn't he just a quirky, really smart kid? And isn't that okay?

Eli driving Aunt Mary's boat, Ware River, Gloucester, Virginia--Summer 2006

Maybe. But why this feeling of being threatened? At Barnes and Noble one day I found a book titled, Look Me In The Eye: My Life With Asperger's by John Elder Robison. The title immediately caught my eye because making eye contact has been a difficulty for Elijah (although honestly that has gotten much better at least at home and school since he had some Occupational Therapy last year, though it's still hard for him to look a lot of people in the eye). It's funny, when I was telling George about the book he said he heard the same phrase very, very often from his mom when he was a kid. It seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree,eh?

The author, Mr. Robison, explained that when speaking, he found visual input to be distracting. He wrote: "That's why I usually look somewhere neutral-at the ground of off into the distance-when I'm talking to someone...In fact, I don't understand why it's considered normal to stare at someone's eyeballs." He also wrote: "I wasn't being shifty or evasive when I failed to meet someone's gaze", of which, of course, many adults had accused him.

I know and love Elijah as only a mother could, of course, but I believe that even with casual observation of him in our home, one could see that there is not a shifty or evasive bone in his body. He has no aggressive tendencies (though he does erupt into anger when he doesn't know how to express himself better, something we're working on); he would never hurt a fly and is the sweetest cat and dog-lover you could ever find. I'm not worried about him being a violent teen-ager, if only for the fact that he would never consider hurting an animal which many say is a sign of aggressive tendencies.

Elijah is always, always trying to hold and pet the cat, who often has other ideas.

First day of school, 4th grade, September 2006

There may come a time when we decide to see the Neuropsychiatrist to which our doctor referred us at one time. Eli's teachers have been asked to tell us if they feel he needs it. For now, we do talk to Elijah about Asperger's and Autism and explain that maybe when he has a hard time with certain things like making eye contact or conversation, it's because he may have some of that syndrome wired into his brain, for whatever reason. He gets that, we think. He still gets teased, and he still embarrasses us at times, but for the most part people around us are accepting.

He has several good friends now at school and the teachers just love him. They're always on the lookout for him. His 4th grade teacher last year called him, "the little professor" and his social studies teacher this year, Mrs. Fish, said to George: "He's a beautiful boy, but he hides his eyes." For whatever reason. He's just Eli. We love him to pieces!

Eli helping decorate the tree--December 2007.

I'll try and write more on this topic another time. There's so much more to it. And Mr. Robison's book, Look Me In the Eye, gave me some other clues into Eli's behavior. Such as, why do kids on the Autism/Asperger's syndrome like building and playing with machines (airplanes, robots, etc) and video games so much? Hint: these kids are very smart at figuring them out AND machines don't expect you to make conversation or eye contact!

Well, that's enough for today. It's a hard topic. Lisa